Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
