Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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