Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
my elementary bus driver served me drinks last night. He hooked me up
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Let's paint friendship bongs
There's always a certain something about a day that begins with your panties in your purse.
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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