Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
