pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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