Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I can't put those talents on a resume
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
