I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Randomize
