the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
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