Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
