My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I FOUND THE LEGS
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
