I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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