Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
