Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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