you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
