I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
In other news, I just burned my penis
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
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