I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
