is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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