My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
