Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
