i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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