Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
I texted him about a book we both like. I was expecting a "ya great book... let's bone" response. It didn't work
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
