from now on my penis is your penis
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
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