dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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