i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
