I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
