My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
