A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
