I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
