i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm at about main and main street
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
