Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
