We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Randomize
