My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Is her dick bigger than yours?
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
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