I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
is wine microwaveable?
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
