I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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