I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He managed to find a wheel chair and a super mario hat, now hes rolling around screaming "real life mario kart!"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
