I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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