I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
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