Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
