I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing
You are such a penis elitist
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
