I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
