Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
