ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
