I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Romer got arrested for getting in a bar fight with a bus boy because he was trying to steal a keg, had it all the way to the car
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize
