I'd wear matching sweaters with you
I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Randomize
