I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I am truly sorry that you have to put your dog down. He was a great dog, and a great friend. I am still not showing you my tits.
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize
