i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
If you were curious as to how many pounds of bagged marijuana can fit in the trunk of a 2010 Chevrolet Aveo, we now have the answer
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
