I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
