i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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