note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Ahh good point. I got some interesting mental pics and I'm slowly entering a "fuck it, lets do weird shit" phase sexually, but you may have already figured that out since I've been fucking you sideways and upside down a lot lately.
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Randomize
