Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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