i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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