I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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