but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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