I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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