Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
